Friday, November 20, 2009

Some Ramblings and Sharing of My Heart

Today is Friday. It's November 20th of 2009. It's another workday. Another day to be busy to get ready for another day. The weekend is almost here and it is already full. Craft Bazaar pretty much ALL day tomorrow. Date night with hubby. Movie and dinner!!!!! That will be a blast. But you see, this has not been a typical week. It has been probably one of the most stressful and heartbreaking weeks of my entire life. I have chosen to share this in the form of a journal entry. I am choosing to share it because I/we are need of prayers and for healing of a broken heart.
Journal Entry-
Lord, it's been a week. A week in my gut I knew was coming but didn't know if would happen so fast.
Last Thursday you sent her home with us from court. I was shocked and overwhelmed. The Pollyanna in me wanted to think that maybe her time away she had learned something and you had flipped the switch we had been praying for the last 10 years.
Things were going ok. Stress was out of the roof but we were managing.
Kaleb went home with Mom and Dad and that was so You!!!!
Then IT happened. Every dark and evil force seemed to descend on our house in a matter of a few moments.
When I tell a child "no" or "time to get off the computer" I can usually expect a little come back but this. This was off the charts. I was frightened, scared, trembling, hurt, broken, tearful and a million other feelings I can not describe. What happened? Why was this happening? Could it have been avoided?
After a VERY long night with some police, a psychiatric nurse, a physician, and a lot of tears, and hurt, we had to make a decision. This was not what I wanted to do but what I/we needed to do.
Lord, your word is true. Your word is comfort. Your word is healing. I praise you for it.
I have written before that this is not what was suppose to happen. This is not what I had planned. Making the decision and the choice to cut the strings is so very difficult. Allowing your child to fail and to fail BIG hurts. I want to help fix her. I want to wave a magic wand and have my little girl. That is not what is happening. I can't fix it. Only you can. There is not magic wand is there Lord? I have to let her go and let her do what she thinks she can do. Why is it so hard?
I'm just placing her in your hands because my hands are off. She was yours to begin with and you allowed me/us to have her for a time. Please protect her. Please keep her safe. We do care and love her. It is just time for her to stand on her own 2 feet. It's been a tough 10 years. Even though she is on her own, I'm still her Mom and she may not like that but she is still my daughter.
Please Lord, heal my broken heart and Keep her in Your hands. It's in You I can stand. Thank you Lord!!!!!!

Thank you for stopping by and taking some time with me today. It means sooo much!!!!!!

In Him Only,
Doula Mama

3 comments:

I am Lee-Ann... said...

Aww I'm sorry to hear that things turned out roughly. I hope she can find her way and come back to you. Hugs.

Momma Pam said...

Thank you for sharing your hurts Pam. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you and your family! Know you are in my prayers. Please also know that God "sees" you and he feels your pain! You are not alone!

chadandnikki said...

Praying for you guys. I can't even imagine the hurt and confusion you have right now. Much love.