Grab a cup of coffee, diet drink or whatever is close by. I just need to share, shout, rejoice, or whatever you would like to call it. I have been struggling and thinking and struggling more with so much in the past couple of weeks.
Why struggle you say?????
Well, Pam has been very focused on "What Pam wants to do" and not "what the Lord wants Pam to do".
I want to share some examples and this is really difficult because they may not make sense to those who do not know me very well. If you know me and know my heart, you will totally understand.
So, here we go.....
First, with work. Yes, I love the office. We all get a long fine and the doctors are great. My frustration arises out of the fact that I get so fed up with pushing papers and dealing with insurance and dealing with precert this and precert that. Insurances dictating what can and cannot be done and trying to explain that to patients is very frustrating at times. I want so badly to interact with our pregnant mom's and their families and walk through this time in their life with them all the way through delivery. I put together a packet/proposal for our office to offer something new and exciting for our patients and for us to "be out of the box" in the Triad. A lot of work, prayer, tears and sweat. Presented it and NOTHING!!!! was said!!!!! Not ONE WORD!!!!!! I was angry, sad, devastated and ready to throw my hands up and say "I give up". I have since calmed down and realized for whatever reason it maybe wait but not to stop reading and educating myself and in that I LOVE IT!!!! If that means I need to wait--then we wait.....Do I like it??? Yes and No. I want it NOW but at the same time I want it when He wants it.
Second, I was beginning to wonder if Mothering the Mother was really going to work and be productive to the point of being able to do it fulltime at some point. With the frustration at work, I questioned and doubted and became really down and very hard on myself. What was the matter? What was I doing wrong? THEN........(you will have to hang on for a minute)
Thirdly, He placed me in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) to study the book of Isaiah. I am so excited and so thrilled with this. It requires discipline and work and study and prayer and digging into the word. It is such a blessing of which I just so grateful for.
ANSWERS to ALL of my worries, concerns and frustrations........sitting in the car
We(as a family) decided to go to Georgia this year for Thanksgiving. Can't tell you what that means. Anyway, with the decision to go to Georgia makes the choice in what I can do as far as being a Doula. That is ok. Not a problem. I mentioned earlier about the worry of being able to keep Mothering The Mother up because I had not had a lot of contacts etc. WELL, I ended up being contacted by several Moms. By several I mean 6. Yes, 6!!!!! I am only able to take on one because her due date is in December. That rolls into the work and the frustration there. Not being able to take on the ones in November and the one that found someone while I was on vacation. I don't have to worry about being gone from work while a co-worker, that I will be covering for, will be away for over a week on a cruise. It takes a HUGE amount of stress off trying to figure out how to juggle work and being a Doula but HE always manages it just beautifully. In a post a little later on I will tell you about my proposal that I came up with for work. It's exciting and I so desire to follow it through. Yes, I will wait on my Lord to tell me when.
All of this being said- The Lord put me in BSF to be with all of these 600 women. My small group of just precious women. My group leader is fabulous!!!!!! I sat in the parking lot this past Monday night and really even struggled with getting out of the car and going in because I was so totally down. I mean to the point of tears. The Lord spoke so clear. HE IS IN CONTROL! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF AND WATCH ME WORK!!!!!! I could do nothing but cry. I am sure the women walking by my car were wondering what I was doing. They were not tears of sadness or sorrow but of a huge burden lifted. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. I believe He put them there. Since Monday, of the 6 Mom's that contacted me that I mentioned above, 4 were after Monday. HE IS SO GOOD!!!!!! Am I still stressed? Yes, it creeps in but I just go back to "open-handed Pam"
I am doing so much reading and researching and working on "self-educating" that it just gets so exciting. I love it!!!!!!!! I came home the other night with a research study and was just about to bust to show it to my hubby. It just tickles me to death when he reads it and agrees with me.
Ok, I could keep going on and on and on but I will stop for now. What is He doing in your life? Has He told you to take your hands off of something? Did you? There is such sweet surrender in that. Don't get me wrong....I still want to grab it and run with it but He just reminds me, "Let me do this FOR YOU." Imagine what He can do with it that I can't........PRAISE HIM!!!!!!!
Laboring With You,
Doula Mama Pam